My church never paid me for my work. I'm glad.
When men dismiss a woman and her gifts, Jesus has something to say
It’s been more than five years now, but I can still hear and see the moment — how he scoffed at my suggestion that our church should have a paid women’s ministry leader someday.
“Do you think I haven’t thought about that?”
The lead pastor and I were in a meeting. Our women’s ministry was fairly new, and I was its new and inexperienced volunteer leader.
This brief part of our conversation is burned into my memory — where we were sitting, how I had to look down at the papers on the table when he managed, with just eight words, to convey:
how absurdly obvious my idea was,
how foolish it was to mention it to someone thinking so far ahead of me, and
how silly I was to suggest it was even a possibility for the church right now.
Shamed, I quickly clarified that I wasn’t advocating for a paid position for myself, or for there to be one anytime soon.
And that was the end of that.1
Working for free
For more than three and a half years, I volunteered as the women’s ministry leader for our growing church, putting in 15-20 hours a week on things like:
creating our spring and fall Bible studies, writing them and teaching twice a week, as this grew to an attendance of nearly 100
mentoring and counseling women, developing leaders and training other teachers
planning events and coordinating the several teams within the women’s ministry
creating a social media account to promote our events, and eventually producing a Bible study book, plus podcast and video content.
I also attended weekly staff meetings and was the only volunteer who did this; I was essentially an unpaid staff member.2
Despite that unfortunate meeting with the lead pastor, I usually didn’t mind that I was working for free. I hoped the church would eventually decide my work deserved compensation — but in the meantime, I was content to simply give my time and talent to the community I loved.
The story of Mary and her “wasteful” gift inspired me. She had poured out her fortune on Jesus’ head and feet, expressing her love and gratitude to her savior. I considered it an honor to follow her example, freely offering my gifts to the body of Christ. (For context, please read my first post on this below.)
My husband encouraged me in this, too — he was grateful that his salary freed me up to use my gifts for the church.
As time went on, I felt more of a kinship with Mary, and more encouragement from her story. Because I was living out a similar one.
The gifts that get discarded
When Mary offered her extravagant gift to Jesus, the male disciples should’ve been impressed, both by her devotion to the savior and her theological acumen. In all three gospel accounts, Jesus connects her gift with his upcoming burial: Mary knew what was going to happen to Jesus, unlike the male disciples who were told this explicitly (more than once!) and still didn’t understand.
But instead of honoring Mary, the men were offended by her ministry. They called it a waste, explaining how they would’ve done more important things with the money.
I knew exactly what that felt like. Because I eventually realized — this was about more than just money.
It was about how the men who spoke for Jesus viewed women’s gifts to Jesus.
It was about whether the pastors thought a woman’s work for the church was valuable — at all.
To be sure, a couple of them said they appreciated what I did; that they were grateful for the many women leaders (who volunteered far more time than any men in the church). But as time went on, the disconnect between words and deeds became harder and harder to overlook.
As I learned — and as women’s ministry leaders in male-centric churches can attest — just about any ministry run by a man took precedence over women’s programs in terms of budget, time, and staffing.
What ministry events were the focus of staff meetings? Who got priority for the announcements at the end of service? Even though the women’s ministry constituted the largest group within the church (more women attended than men, as is true in most churches), our programs were consistently pushed to the end of the line, and our budget was meager. The youth group, by contrast, was a much smaller entity, yet it received far more money and attention because a salaried male pastor was in charge.
This dynamic wasn’t limited to my church. A 2023 survey found that 83% of women’s ministry leaders in the U.S. are not paid for their work. Faithful women today face the same pattern of dismissive treatment from male disciples as Mary once did.
As much as Mary’s story encouraged me, the sense of rejection still stung. It was discouraging to feel that the pastors, the ones called to shepherd Jesus’ flock, did not find the women of the church worth investing in.
There were some incredibly gifted, mature, trustworthy and devoted women at that church, women who served faithfully without pay. Yet whatever women wanted to give their Savior, the male leaders seemed to believe they had better ideas for what should be done with these resources — these treasures offered to the body of Christ. They would ask the women to make coffee, to change diapers in the nursery, to teach small groups of small children in small classrooms.3
I and many other women wanted to pour out our treasures at Jesus’ feet; the pastors, like the disciples, preferred to use our gifts for their own ministry plans.
As I wrestled through my frustration with how we were treated, I found comfort in Jesus’ words to his disciples, warning them how power and pride corrupted religious leaders. The hypocrites, he said, do all their works of ministry “to be seen by people.” The scribes and pharisees sought the spotlight, the career positions that earned money, respect and applause. Yet: “Truly I tell you, they have received their reward.”
As I did my relatively obscure and unpaid work, I reminded myself that the Father’s attention was what I desired, not the praise of men. Being unnoticed by church leaders and church audiences helped keep my motives pure. It kept me looking to Jesus.
And Jesus was the one who reminded me, through Mary’s story, that he saw my offering, and that he would defend a woman whose gift was scorned by men.4
“Leave her alone,” he told the disciples. He called Mary’s gift beautiful and noble. What was a “waste” to the men in the room was quite the opposite in Jesus’ eyes: the Greek word signifies something good, praiseworthy, pure, honorable, valuable.
And so Mary received the ultimate honor, the one I and every other man and woman truly desire. Instead of the Pharisees’ reward of human praise, she was seen, approved, and remembered by her Lord. And this what I’ve always wanted, far more than a paycheck or a place on stage — to be remembered by the Savior:
“Truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will also be told in memory of her.”
This interaction is a great example of how shame can be used by unhealthy leaders. I didn’t recognize it at the time — in this case and others like it, I felt I’d done something wrong — but if you have experienced or observed this type of behavior, I highly recommend “The Other Half of Church” by Jim Wilder and Michel Hendricks. They define narcissism as a shame disease.
I was functionally a pastor, though that’s a topic for another time.
I think this is wonderful and important ministry, by the way! The problem is when men consistently expect women to do the least visible work, while keeping the most powerful and rewarding jobs (in terms of money and attention) for themselves.
Trusting that Jesus saw and valued me and my work became all the more important during my experience of church abuse. I have a few posts related to this in my archive, or you can listen to my story on the Bodies Behind the Bus podcast (part 1 and part 2).
Joy, just found your site and I appreciate this post and have a contribution to your position. In 2001, the week after 911, my wife & I joined a church that was a Willow Associate Church. It was growing in the area of phase I…hooking seekers using all the check boxes. As I observed the Pastor, I saw his frustration when the Contemporary Praise Band produced CDs & went on tour. How could he control such volunteers? He killed the volunteers by putting them on the payroll. As other volunteers became vital, he quickly killed the volunteers…by putting them on the payroll. The payroll grew, the staff grew, the Pastor controlled his former volunteers by putting them on payroll - ending their volunteer spirit. Thank you for maintaining your volunteer spirit. Blessings.
This issue becomes a bit more complicated when, like me, the woman being treated unequally is the sole provider for her family. As much as I would like to remain content with a Mary heart, I still need to pay all my bills.