Avoiding women will not help you avoid sin

In the wake of another pastor's failure, we need to start seeing the 'Billy Graham Rule' as a symptom of unhealthy relationships, not the solution for them

There’s a predictable pattern when a pastor is caught in an inappropriate relationship with a woman:

Christians will describe it as a “fall,” as if he just happened to trip over something. Other pastors will suggest no one should point fingers, since we’re all sinners.¹

And there will always be some people blaming the woman. Sometimes this is done through criticism of her behavior or her clothing, but there’s a less obvious way, one that sounds reasonable, well-intended, even pious. And that’s by advising men to avoid women.

Al Mohler, president of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, did just that in a chapel address last week, following news of a well-known pastor’s affair. 

“‘You will not have sex with a woman not your wife if you are never alone with a woman not your wife’,” he said. “That’s simple math.”

Maybe so. But it’s also 100% the wrong approach.

Before I go further, you should know I used to agree with that perspective. It seemed like a common-sense precaution that would protect both men and women. I don’t see it that way anymore. 

Today, I would say this: Avoiding women will not protect you from sin. Avoiding women reveals that you have a problem with women. 

In fact, Christian communities where men are encouraged to avoid women will consistently show less respect towards women than places where it isn’t an issue. 

I know, because I’ve experienced both. 

A woman alone — a dangerous sight? (Photo by Molly Blackbird on Unsplash)

When the church isn’t safe

I’ve been in churches where this practice is encouraged — it’s sometimes called the Billy Graham Rule  — and I’ve been in workplaces where no one knew of Billy Graham. Over 20 years in both these spaces, the place I’ve been more consistently sexualized while at the same time treated with less respect is in the church.

Avoiding women cannot help you avoid sexual sin, because avoidance is not a healthy, proactive measure. Avoidance is a symptom: it shows that something is wrong, that you have a bad relationship with the thing or person you’re trying to stay away from.²

When a community encourages men to avoid women, this is a symptom: it means the community has unhealthy patterns of relationships between the sexes.

During our 19 years of marriage, we’ve been part of four different churches, all conservative in theology, where some version of the Billy Graham Rule was practiced by the all-male leadership. I’ve also been in a few different secular workplaces, where I was occasionally alone with men for various reasons: in an office with a coworker, riding in a car to a conference with my boss, interviewing men one-on-one during my years as a journalist. 

Never once did a man in these secular environments make me feel uncomfortable or make comments about my clothing or appearance. Never once did a man attempt to make a move on me while we were alone. The church is a different story. Here are a few examples: 

• A pastor who made comments about the placement of buttons on my shirt, and on another occasion talked to me about the details of my dress and hairstyle while his wife was nearby in the church lobby. 

• An older man from church who unexpectedly kissed the top of my head. I didn’t know him well and tried to avoid him afterwards because of how awkward it was. 

• A man I’d never spoken to before came up to me after church to compliment my dress and tell me he’d been “watching [me] flow up and down the aisle” during the service. He didn’t know my name, and didn’t introduce himself either. 

• A pastor who texted me privately while we were both part of a group Zoom meeting: “you look like an angel.”

• Pastors who called their wives or daughters as chaperones so they wouldn’t be alone with me for short periods of time, thus sexualizing our experience and leaving me feeling embarrassed and ashamed. (See one of my stories here:

  Chaperoned by a child

• Worst of all, now that I have a teenage daughter, she’s had similar experiences. She just turned 15 and has already had one man in the church comment on her body and another try to advise her on how to dress modestly.

So far, so bad. The Billy Graham Rule did not prevent any of these men from touching or speaking to me — or my child — in unwanted and inappropriate ways.

It’s not about respecting women, either

“You don’t get it,” you may be saying right now. “The Billy Graham Rule is a way for men to protect women, to show them honor and respect. It should make you feel valued.” 

I would agree with you, except I’ve rarely been treated with respect in any place where men think it’s unsafe to be alone with me. I’m guessing other female readers know what it’s like to feel invisible or unimportant in the church. Here are just a few: 

• Pastors and men in leadership have consistently ignored me while making conversation with my husband. They’ll shake his hand and seek him out to chat, but might not even make eye contact with me. It’s clear I’m not a priority.³

• When I discuss these issues online, the “Christian” men defending the Billy Graham Rule have made statements about women and about me, my appearance, and my intellect using language that wouldn’t be appropriate to share here. The men who claim to honor women somehow express a lot of hatred towards us.⁴ 

• In multiple churches, I’ve seen women do the same (or more) work than male staff members or career pastors, yet the women are unpaid volunteers. Women’s work and contributions are taken for granted or minimized as less important than what the men are doing. (For more, see my previous post:

  My church never paid me for my work. I'm glad.

• Women authors and Bible characters are rarely cited in sermons or held up as examples of faith. Discussions of men, quotations from men, admiration towards men — this is the norm. I’ve only rarely seen men seeking to learn from women in these environments, whether that means reading books by women or seeking a woman’s advice on things like theology, significant church policy decisions, etc.  

To sum it up, the places where men avoid being alone with women have also been the places where men avoid women, period. Anywhere the “Billy Graham Rule” has been practiced, I’ve been disrespected and/or sexually objectified. 

By contrast, I’ve spent many hours with men in the workforce — alone and in groups where I’m the only woman — but have never experienced a man inappropriately touching or speaking to me. I’ve sat and talked about books and politics with male coworkers, interviewed men one-on-one for newspaper articles, and rode in cars with colleagues. For a couple years I and a couple male coworkers played practical jokes on each other. These guys felt more like brothers to me than the men who are supposed to be my brothers in Christ.⁵

Between the church and “the world,” one place has consistently been safer. The men of the church have not treated me as a fellow image bearer worthy of respect, as someone who has value.

This is why I don’t believe in any policy that encourages men to avoid being alone with women. This policy, well-intentioned as it may be, doesn’t honor or protect women. It’s a symptom of something unhealthy — of distrust and disrespect towards women, as well as a tendency to see them as sex objects. And if these attitudes didn’t exist already, the rule itself will create and perpetuate them. How can you respect, trust, or value someone when you believe it’s unsafe to spend time with them? 

Men, avoiding women cannot protect you from sin. Keeping your distance from us does not honor us. If you truly want to value us, take the risk of getting to know us, to see us: not as sex objects, but as your sisters in Christ.

Questions for readers:

Women, if you’ve been in churches that practiced some form of “the Billy Graham Rule,” were you respected and honored, or objectified and devalued, or a mix of both? Feel free to share experiences below.

Men, how do you think women are seen by the other men in your Christian communities? If you’ve been practicing some form of the BGR, how could you be encouraged to explore other ways of relating?

1. This is true, of course, but “we’re all sinners” is too often used to deflect attention and minimize the harm someone has done.

2. Other areas where avoidance is a rule include addiction, allergies, or phobias. In all these cases, avoidance is necessary because a person has an underlying dysfunctional relationship with the thing in question (peanuts, gluten, confined spaces, alcohol, heights, prescription drugs, etc.). These practices make sense when the thing avoided is truly dangerous. This is not the case when women are what’s being avoided.

3. This is not ALL pastors or elders, thankfully — we’ve known some really wonderful guys along the way! — but it is more common that I’m treated as an afterthought than as a person worth talking to.

4. I did not realize how much misogyny was present in the church until I started posting about issues like the Billy Graham Rule on Twitter/X. Discussions about women bring out some of the most hateful, insulting, and even violent statements I’ve ever seen, and often from men whose profiles say something like “saved by grace.”

5. Please don’t hear me claiming that men outside the church always treat women with respect. I know that’s not the case at all. My experiences have simply shown me that behavioral expectations within a community make a difference in what kind of relationships can develop there.