I'm so sad that this was your experience. And sad that it's how it is in so many places—way too familiar! I've found that when I stay on the fringes, I am myself, but I get nervous when I get more connected because of the need to "behave" part! I'm still working on the belonging part in a new space. Thank you for sharing this. It's a great reminder not to settle for cheap imitations.
Thanks for reading and for sharing. I agree with you! -- I'm still more comfortable on the fringes, where I won't feel any expectations. But I know I need to actually push in and "test" the community to know if it's genuine. I'm not quite there yet with our newest church, but I'm praying. Just said a prayer for you as well!
Thank you! I need those prayers and will pray for you too. Something this weekend gave a clear indication that I don't belong. Feeling lonely and fragile. But I'm fired up to protect the marginalized. So I won't coil up and hide.
"Now, Sundays mean walking into an unfamiliar space, feeling anonymous. They mean awkward moments after service, standing around while it seems everyone else is chatting with friends." It's really hard to lose all the history and have to start all over again. For my family, it was 23 years of history. Now we go to a place where nobody knows our name. We sit together. We worship. We enjoy solid teaching. I'm not ready to join a community group yet at church. Thankfully we have community outside of church. Still, it is hard. As always, great post!
Thank you, Audra! And I’m so sorry you’re familiar with this experience… losing 10 years in a community was hard enough; I can’t imagine how much more painful it would be after 23 years of relationships. 💔 Will pray for you and your family as I think of you.
Audra -Ugh. You have my sympathies. It’s such a painful process! I know it’s not easy, but you may want to remember that tradition Institutionalized forms of church are not the only option. You may want to consider something more organic, or a church where #RelationalDiscipleship is a core practice (not just monologues which actually aren’t discipleship at all.
I'm so sorry. I have been in a similar situation, basically it was believe and behave. Emphasis on the behave. We were very involved in the church. Over time we had several issues with both teaching and leadership, but felt it was important to demonstrate a humble and submissive spirit to spiritual authority. Especially to our children who would follow our example. I'm rebellious by nature and have made some real errors in judgment because of it which was another factor. But the clincher was a situation involving two ladies whose husbands had left them for another woman and then divorced them. The church's teaching was no remarriage after divorce while the other party is alive regardless of circumstances. One of these sweet women chose to "believe and behave," and committed to remaining single. She was honored and cared for. The other (who was raising three children alone) met a good man (who had a wife run out on him, leaving him with two children to raise). They were married, needless to say without the blessing of the church. Basically ostracized. We started over and found another church. We were blessed with a sweet group of folks who welcomed us with open arms. But it takes time and there's a sense of loss and loneliness. Apologies for the length of this comment, but be assured there are many who understand.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sorry for what you had to endure. It sounds like you were faithful and acted with integrity -- I imagine your decision was an encouragement to the woman who was abandoned by the church, too. Thanks again, and I hope you can continue to feel welcome, safe, and more at home in your new church.
I'm so sad that this was your experience. And sad that it's how it is in so many places—way too familiar! I've found that when I stay on the fringes, I am myself, but I get nervous when I get more connected because of the need to "behave" part! I'm still working on the belonging part in a new space. Thank you for sharing this. It's a great reminder not to settle for cheap imitations.
Thanks for reading and for sharing. I agree with you! -- I'm still more comfortable on the fringes, where I won't feel any expectations. But I know I need to actually push in and "test" the community to know if it's genuine. I'm not quite there yet with our newest church, but I'm praying. Just said a prayer for you as well!
Thank you! I need those prayers and will pray for you too. Something this weekend gave a clear indication that I don't belong. Feeling lonely and fragile. But I'm fired up to protect the marginalized. So I won't coil up and hide.
"Now, Sundays mean walking into an unfamiliar space, feeling anonymous. They mean awkward moments after service, standing around while it seems everyone else is chatting with friends." It's really hard to lose all the history and have to start all over again. For my family, it was 23 years of history. Now we go to a place where nobody knows our name. We sit together. We worship. We enjoy solid teaching. I'm not ready to join a community group yet at church. Thankfully we have community outside of church. Still, it is hard. As always, great post!
Thank you, Audra! And I’m so sorry you’re familiar with this experience… losing 10 years in a community was hard enough; I can’t imagine how much more painful it would be after 23 years of relationships. 💔 Will pray for you and your family as I think of you.
No matter the time, it's all hard. Thank you for writing about your hard. God bless you as you continue to share.
Audra -Ugh. You have my sympathies. It’s such a painful process! I know it’s not easy, but you may want to remember that tradition Institutionalized forms of church are not the only option. You may want to consider something more organic, or a church where #RelationalDiscipleship is a core practice (not just monologues which actually aren’t discipleship at all.
Wishing you peace on your journey…
Thanks for sharing more of your experience Joy.
I'm so sorry. I have been in a similar situation, basically it was believe and behave. Emphasis on the behave. We were very involved in the church. Over time we had several issues with both teaching and leadership, but felt it was important to demonstrate a humble and submissive spirit to spiritual authority. Especially to our children who would follow our example. I'm rebellious by nature and have made some real errors in judgment because of it which was another factor. But the clincher was a situation involving two ladies whose husbands had left them for another woman and then divorced them. The church's teaching was no remarriage after divorce while the other party is alive regardless of circumstances. One of these sweet women chose to "believe and behave," and committed to remaining single. She was honored and cared for. The other (who was raising three children alone) met a good man (who had a wife run out on him, leaving him with two children to raise). They were married, needless to say without the blessing of the church. Basically ostracized. We started over and found another church. We were blessed with a sweet group of folks who welcomed us with open arms. But it takes time and there's a sense of loss and loneliness. Apologies for the length of this comment, but be assured there are many who understand.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sorry for what you had to endure. It sounds like you were faithful and acted with integrity -- I imagine your decision was an encouragement to the woman who was abandoned by the church, too. Thanks again, and I hope you can continue to feel welcome, safe, and more at home in your new church.
Joy - And leaders know about this dynamic and can use it like a club to enforce conformity!!
Absolutely - I watched it happen more than once. So sad!
For reading the great sex rescue?! Wow….. this is so hard. Thanks for sharing your story.