Why I'm writing.

Something went terribly wrong...

Joy LaPrade of 2014 was pretty excited to have found the “right church,” a place that taught the right things about God and lived out those beliefs, too.   

I look back on her with sympathy — for her innocence and ignorance.

As it turned out, that “just-right” church would end up causing me and my family more suffering than we ever thought possible. But we didn’t see it coming. 

For seven years or so, everything felt right. More than right, in fact. We were dedicated volunteers and then leaders in the church, and because it was where we made our first friends when we moved to North Carolina, it gradually became our community, our family. We joined when the church was fairly new, and as it grew, our love for connecting with people helped us develop a large group of friends.

There were so many parties and cookouts at our house, people hanging out on our deck, kids playing in the yard, friends sitting and talking in the living room or gathered in the kitchen, and more often than not, men smoking cigars and drinking bourbon in the garage with my husband. We tried to extend an invitation to every new person we met. 

We loved that community. We felt safe there. We felt known. 

After we moved away, a friend painted this for us as a gift. It’s hanging near our front door today, but the memories it brings are still tainted by grief.

Then we lost it all. Our home, our church, our sense of security, and all but a handful of friends. I’ll share more of the story as we go, but if you haven’t heard my interview on the Bodies Behind the Bus podcast, I’d recommend listening to parts 1 and 2 of my story to give you context.

As our world fell apart, I struggled to understand what had gone wrong. How did a group of people we loved as family end up hurting us and throwing us away like trash?  

As I read everything I could on spiritual abuse, narcissism in the church, and similar topics, I started to realize the harm we experienced was not just an intrusion of sin into an otherwise healthy place. In fact, some of it seemed to be the direct result of doctrine or practices we’d always believed were biblical.

Like police reconstructing a crime scene, doing an autopsy, searching for clues, I kept digging. I started to wonder if we had the right expectations for what “church” should be. I started to notice connections I’d overlooked before. 

On many occasions over the years, I had experiences where what I was taught simply didn’t match what I experienced. For example:

• I believed that men and women were equal, but that only men should be leaders in the church and home; these servant leaders would care for and protect women. But when the men in leadership didn’t treat me with respect or care for women in need, I started to wonder if some of our teachings about men and women were off.

• I believed that Christ’s church is called to do justice and mercy, but when our church had opportunities to care for the poor or speak up on behalf of the oppressed, we didn’t seem to say or do very much at all. I started to wonder why. 

• I believed that the church is a body and a family — a connected, interdependent, loving community — and ministers of reconciliation to the world around us. But somehow most of the people in the church looked alike and had very similar lifestyles. And despite all the similarity, the relationships in the church were not always safe or loving: there were cliques, favoritism, envy and unresolved conflict. 

What was wrong with the culture of this church? And was it just our church? After all — our church wasn’t unique; I knew many that were similar in doctrine, leadership, habits. Maybe there were bigger, systemic problems at work?

Today I have much less certainty about the institutional church. But because of this, I have more certainty in the person of Jesus Christ and the beauty and power of his gospel. More certainty in the goodness of God’s word. 

This is one of my favorite pictures I’ve ever taken. I loved the morning sunlight in the kitchen at our home in North Carolina.

And — this confidence gives me the courage to explore questions that sometimes feel unsettling.

So I write this as a “heads up” for those of you who may be coming from different backgrounds and perspectives. Some of you have seen the same problems as I have. And some of you may have always experienced church as a safe community.

Either way, I may write things that you don’t identify with. I only ask that you take time to listen, ask questions, and try to understand my perspective. I hope this space will be a place for conversations, not a one-sided lecture on my part.  

I’m excited for this journey together!

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Question: How have you experienced church community? What do you think is the cause of healthy or unhealthy church cultures?